My Last Post? Thanks for Nothing Rapture!

So I guess the rapture is supposed to be tomorrow. Sucks, cause now I'll never know who the new boss will be on the Office. But anyway, I guess I'll make this my last post: 8 Cheap Ways To Avoid The Rapture.

1. Giant Stapler
Find a comically large stapler. Barring access to this, acquire an industrial stapler. Staple feet to solid surface. Note: For best results, must staple feet, not shoes.

2. Dead Weight
Remember when you were five and your parents were ready to leave and you weren't so they picked you up and you went limp, suddenly causing your tiny body to triple in mass? Utilize this method to avoid Rapture.

3. Pretend To Be A Victim Of A Blow-Up Doll Genocide
Travel to your nearest adult bookstore (don't pretend like you don't know where it is and the fastest route to get there). Bury yourself beneath the back room display blow-up dolls. Wait. Shower. Home free.

4. Tin Foil Halo
Go to your kitchen cabinet and retrieve the roll of tin foil. Using techniques similar to keeping alien radio waves from reading your mind, mold the tin foil into the approximate shape of a halo. When Rapture occurs, say you're an angel meant to render retribution on the sinful.

5. Tie Yourself To A Pipe That Extends Several Hundred Feet Down
Can't Rapture what you can't ascend. If this method can keep Helen Hunt from dying in an F5 tornado, surely it can render you Rapture free. Because movies would never lie to us about physics. Never.

6. Become A Mechanized Abomination
Choose a limb that you can live without. Remove. Cauterize. Attached mechanized replacement. Note: It is not necessary for the robot limb to be functional. Congratulations! You are now a godless monstrosity like Rosie O'Donnell.

7. Sew Free Weights Into Your Clothes
A variant on the Twister Principle, free weights are more plentiful than exposed pipes in many instances. If you are extremely determined, sew weights straight into flesh for maximum potential.

8. Become A Ninja
Because ninjas are never caught.

Also:
9 Important Events Taking Place The Day After The Rapture
32 Pictures You Need To See Before The World Ends

Meat Glue

Colorful Poop

Who doesn't enjoy eating enough beets to turn your poop red? But apparently colorful poop isn't just a fun activity anymore. Scientists at Cambridge University are working on some colorful poop health applications. Go science!

"For years, sagely, health-conscious individuals have read the contents of toilet bowls, seeking oracles of good or bad health. But never before has this practice been more colorful.

Scientists have genetically engineered E. coli bacteria to work safely as a biosensor that can detect the presence of toxins and secret an indicator pigment. The synthetically engineered bacteria (which has had its bad bacteria parts removed) could be used to test water or air samples for pollutants such as arsenic or carbon dioxide. Arsenic in the water, the sample turn blue, for example. But that's not all.

By the year 2039, the scientists -- who hail from Cambridge University --think that their so-called E. Chromi could be mixed in with a special probiotic yogurt, which when eaten, would colonize the bowels and release pigments in the presence of diseases such as cancer, stomach ulcers and salmonella. If your poo was green, for example, you might have an ulcer, or if it turned orange, you may want to get tested for colon cancer."

E. chromi from Alexandra Daisy Ginsberg on Vimeo.

Source

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